I got everything I wanted for Christmas this year, which was peace, love and understanding. What’s so funny about that?
Not to be picky, but I offer a short list of things I didn’t get for Christmas. I make them available for anyone doing some early shopping for next year:
- The purpose of semicolons; I didn’t get them.
- I didn’t get the reason the high fade hair style has returned.
- I didn’t get why Nike charges its customers so much to advertise its stuff.
- You, too, NorthFace.
- And Dolce & Gabbana baby boots?
- What bad economy?
- I didn’t get why we all put up with it.
- Maybe I should silk screen some shirts with “smithdeville.com” on them and sell them for forty bucks each.
- I’m sure there’s a factory somewhere in Bangladesh with excess capacity.
- I didn’t get the sustained popularity of some musical acts.
- I’m talking about you, Bon Jovi.
- Is it the hair?
- Does this mean we’ll see Justin Bieber singing at massive fundraisers thirty years from now?
- That should make people take global warming more seriously.
- Do you want another Hurricane Sandy-like catastrophe that leads to Bieber being on stage when he’s fifty, overly conditioned hair and all?
- That’s a rhetorical question.
- Makes me want to keep the thermostat at sixty-two to burn a little less coal.
- Honorable Mention: Dave Matthews Band.
- Less Honorable Mention: A tie between Leonard Cohen and Morrissey.
- How about a Christmas album next year by those two?
- That would be a real joy fest.
- I didn’t get gift bags.
- Who is buying these things?
- How does the gift bag industry stay afloat?
- All the gift bags under our tree this year had been reused.
- Some with multiple names marked out.
- Noah
- Zane
- Isabel
- “Dad”
- I suspect gift bag makers take two or three years off at a time until demand catches up to production.
- If my new watch, which is made from corn resin and other natural stuff, is biodegradable, should I take it off if I start to sweat?
- I didn’t get Boxing Day.
- I get what it is, but I just don’t understand why we can’t have it in the States.
- We have a four-day weekend for Thanksgiving, but just one day for Christmas.
- Maybe after they tackle the fiscal cliff, Congress can approve Boxing Day.
- I’m not holding my breath on either one.
P.S. If you received a new e-reader this holiday season, please give these mildly entertaining works a go. And if you prefer the old-fashioned paper version that’s been signed, I can help you out there, too. Just leave me a comment.
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