Introducing the Ron Smith method of lawn repair™

When Daughter #2 mowed the back yard several weeks ago, the rear left wheel fell off the push mower.  It was irreparable. This allowed me to put my patented lawn equipment repair system into practice. Should you find yourself in similar circumstances, I invite you to try this efficient approach.

1. Curse aloud at the news the mower is broken.
2. Wonder if it is possible to continue mowing with only three wheels.
3. Decide it is not feasible and instruct D2 to finish “mowing” lawn with weed trimmer.
4. Withhold judgment when lawn, following aforementioned weed trimming, looks like it has been strafed by a Grumman Hellcat.
5. Order replacement wheel online. (Some repair technicians may be tempted to examine broken part before finding replacement. This is known in equipment repair trade as “cutting corners.”)  
6. Because delivery charges are more than replacement part, order additional parts as well, “just to have around.”
7. Note that it costs several dollars extra to have replacement wheel shipped within one business day.
8. Opt for regular delivery, which is nine to fourteen days.
9. Fail to notice that promise is to ship part in nine to fourteen days, rather than to deliver in said time frame.
10. Sit back and watch grass grow to record heights as it rains every day.
11. Host major family event at house.
12. Call Search & Rescue when two relatives are lost for hours in backyard jungle.
13. Rejoice when new wheel arrives sixteen days after order placed.
14. Realize you did not think to confirm that push ring that keeps wheel on axle would be included with order.  
15. Determine 92-cent push ring is not included.
16. Confirm that push ring is not one of parts ordered “just to have around.”
17. Look at lawnmower closely for first time.
18. Realize other rear wheel is about to fall off, too, which also is not one of parts ordered “just to have around.”
19. Excoriate self with epithets.
20. Drop by Home Depot next day to find something that might work as push ring. (Note: Under no circumstances measure wheel axle first as this also would be considered “cutting corners.”)
21. Buy two sizes of locking washers because they kind of look like push rings.
22. Try each locking washer on wheel to confirm neither fits.
23. Say aloud to no one, “Of course they don’t fit.”
24. Say other things you can’t repeat in polite company.
25. Briefly consider amount of duct tape necessary to keep wheel on.
26. Fail again to measure wheel axle for appropriate size.
27. Drop by Home Depot again.
28. Buy two more items that look somewhat like push rings.
29. Try both items on wheel and determine they do not fit.
30. Conclude it might be good idea to measure wheel axle this time.
31. Make special trip to Lowe’s to avoid embarrassment of being recognized by Home Depot workers.
32. Buy every size of lock cap in store.
33. Determine that one of locks caps fits the wheel axle.
34. Do little dance of joy.
35. Take two more days to get in “right frame of mind” before tackling yard, which looks like Amazon rainforest.
36. Begin to mow lawn.
37. Determine wheel works fine, but other rear wheel is wobbly, and, worse, mower is now stalling.
38. Curse the sky.
39. Remember parts ordered “just in case.”
40. Remove motor housing.
41. Find nothing obviously wrong.
42. Install all just-in-case parts anyway.
43. Try again and get same results.
44. Cry.
45. Pout.
46. Peruse condo ads in real estate section.
47. Desperately hope mower just needed some air, and begin to mow with motor housing off so motor can “breathe.”
48. Observe lawnmower die.
49. Get brilliant idea.
50. Make trip to neighborhood hardware store for one final part.

P.S. If you think that’s good advice, try this book of wisdom.