My wife is a lazy liar

6 Jun

It’s the last day of school for my lazy, lying wife. She says teachers still have to go to work, but that can’t be right. Teachers only work when the kids are at school. I wish she would come clean and admit she is not really a teacher.  School starts around 9:00 and dismisses at 3:45.  She leaves the house before seven each morning, and it’s only a fifteen or twenty minute drive to the “school” where she “teaches.” She comes home around six or six-thirty in the evening. Sometimes later. What is she doing with all the extra time?

6:57 a.m. and the bag lady leaves the house. Looking for an OTB parlor that opens early.

6:57 a.m. and the bag lady leaves the house. Looking for an OTB parlor that opens early.

When she gets home, I make sure dinner awaits the slacker. It’s a wonder she doesn’t demand I spoon-feed her. After dinner, she works on “lesson plans” and “grades papers.”  The way she describes it, the school district’s grade report system is so convoluted and labyrinthine that it must have been designed by Ernő Rubik. I am not fooled. I believe these “papers” she is working on are actually Racing Forms. I also believe she is a terrible gambler, which explains why we are not rich.

About ten or eleven at night, she comes to bed and pretends to be exhausted. She acts as though teaching 24 kids, some with significant emotional problems, is more challenging than having a real job. Who does she think she’s kidding? If she really is a teacher, how hard can it be to mark second grade homework? Does she have to look up the correct answer to 4 x 5 each time she grades a math assignment?

Hmm. This looks suspiciously like the lazy liar at the race track.

Hmm. This looks suspiciously like the lazy liar at the race track.

Because she’s so lazy, my wife rarely does “school work” on Saturdays, but she always spends part of Sundays pretending to do it. I see through her little act. She doesn’t want to do any real work on Sundays, like taking walks and going on bike rides with her fantastic husband. What a loser. If she likes to play the ponies, she should admit it. I would still love her, more or less.

I work at a real job, and I don’t go to nearly as many “meetings” as my wife does. Many of her meetings, she says, are focused on discussing test results, new testing procedures, testing tests, test testing, tester testing, and test testing testers. Occasionally, she says, these meeting diverge into other topics such as testing evaluations. Some meetings allegedly occur during school hours when my wife should be “teaching.” These meetings are dreamed up by highly-paid, redundant administrators who have clandestine responsibilities no one can figure out. At the end of these meetings, it is determined that “teachers” at my wife’s school are not spending enough time teaching.

This is too illogical to be true. That’s why I know my wife is lying.

My lazy, lying wife can’t get enough of meetings. This is why she is lucky to be a “person of color.”  She is often called on to represent the “school staff” on “committees” that need some “diversity.” As a consequence, she stays late at “school” to discuss issues other than “school work” or tasks directly related to “teaching.” If a person has such an easy job, she should not complain about attending lengthy meetings to discuss the latest tester testing results.

Last night, my wife came home from school after 10:30 p.m. What? Is she teaching night school now?

She should be thankful she does not have a real job. In my job, which is real and has been known to require multiple hours of work on some days, I go into the supply room and load up any time I’m running short of pens and paper. If my company told me to buy my own supplies, I would laugh and tell them to piss off. This is the way it works at a real job. But my wife spends hundreds of dollars each school year buying “supplies.” How many backpacks and calculators does one woman need? She says they are for students who can’t afford them, but really? These students are like her customers. I don’t buy supplies for my customers. That would be silly.

What a liar my wife is.

This summer, the school district that allegedly employs my lying wife is renovating the school building where she claims to teach. The district has required all the “teachers” to pack up everything in their classrooms and store it for the summer. The school district is providing some storage, as long as the contents can survive a couple of months in a container as hot as a vinyl car seat  in Hell’s parking lot. But anything that could become damaged by the heat is the responsibility of the “teachers.” Seriously, what employer would ask its employees to provide their own storage when they renovate work space? I saw a transaction in our bank account for “Storage Facility.” I believe this is the name of a four-year-old gelding that finished out of the money in the seventh race last Thursday at Churchill Downs.

Here’s the final proof that that my lazy wife is a big liar: Despite all the so-called hassles she puts up with at her “school,” my wife talks about her students like they are her own children. A week from now, she will lament how much she misses “her kids” during the summer. Even the ones who “take things without permission,” and the ones who “stretch the truth” despite overwhelming evidence otherwise.

Okay, perhaps my wife is not a lazy liar. Perhaps she is just crazy.

(Teachers: Here’s a parent who appreciates you.)

Signature

P.S. Happy Anniversary to the big liar, who will probably stay at “school” late tonight.

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814 Responses to “My wife is a lazy liar”

  1. Michael Niederman June 12, 2016 at 3:10 pm #

    I am a retired teacher. So what i’m saying is from years of frustrations. Teachers have very little control of what happens in education today. The state and district administration know how “it should be done” (sick humor). Teachers in the classroom who work with students every day really don’t know what it takes to educate. State and school administration stop micromanaging what the experts in the classroom are trying to do, which is educating our students. There are no programs being sold today that can replace what the teacher can do. All students have different needs when it comes to learning.

    To the husband of this lying teacher, THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING YOUR LYING WIFE TO CONTINUE HER LYING WAYS. Remembering that teaching is a calling and not just a job. May GOD bless all of you who do HIS work.

    If there are any mistakes in the above please forgive me I’m retired now and my brain doesn’t think as goodly as it used to. Keep your eyes on the path not the obstacles thrown in your path.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Annetta June 12, 2016 at 3:58 pm #

    I was one of the worst students in my school here in the BVI and my love for our teachers today at 47 years is un measurable. My god!!! I hope you are blessed with continued health and strength. God bless you both

    Liked by 1 person

  3. danielle June 12, 2016 at 5:10 pm #

    first of all I know lots of teachers n they found work late. so ur probley wrong. don’t accuse unless u know all the details if u think she’s cheating follow her n then if u see something then confront her duh

    Like

    • Amber Sanders July 21, 2016 at 11:40 am #

      Did you even read the article? He doesn’t actually think his wife is a liar, it is satire…

      Like

    • Danielle F July 21, 2016 at 11:57 am #

      I don’t believe the author really believes she is lying. I think what he is trying to do is show people who don’t think teachers do anything, that they really DO.

      Like

    • Jamie July 21, 2016 at 9:03 pm #

      You obviously didn’t read this.

      Like

      • Wesley Liang July 23, 2016 at 8:06 am #

        Danielle probably doesn’t understand what satire means either.

        Like

  4. Sharon Loyd June 12, 2016 at 5:57 pm #

    Word of advise for soon to be spouse of a teacher…..RUN. Your “liar” of a spouse will also rope, you into building shelves and other furniture not provided by the employer, get you to help paint the 6 or 7 classroom he/she will move into at the same school (which is the administrations way of getting painting done for free), design, till and build flower for the schoolgarden, help with chaperoning junior high lock-ins all night, not to metion helping to cut out letters for bulletin boards, late night/early runs to “Wally World” to pick up needed supplies for student projects, search the internet to get the best price for art supplies because while art is a subject there is no money set aside to cover the $$$ needed to teach the class….the list is endless. YOU have been warned… go in with your eyes wide open. Luckily, my spouse has enabled me for 26 years and counting!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Bre June 13, 2016 at 12:44 pm #

    You need to talk to her about it. Not good to feel this way.

    Like

    • Lue July 19, 2016 at 8:58 am #

      You didn’t take this seriously, did you? (It was what is called “tongue in cheek” humor.)

      Like

    • James July 21, 2016 at 9:04 pm #

      You should read what he wrote.

      Like

      • Wesley July 23, 2016 at 8:07 am #

        You should UNDERSTAND what he wrote.

        Like

  6. Joyce Tabor June 13, 2016 at 7:12 pm #

    This is so brilliant that I have to share it again!!! I agree with you on the last statement…….she is definitely crazy! I tried it, but couldn’t take it.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Linda A. Rogers June 13, 2016 at 9:34 pm #

    Like one of the previous comments, I too am a retired educator, both as a teacher and as an administrator. I cannot even begin to tell you how many “extra” hours one has to work every day, but also during the unpaid “summer vacation”. No matter where I went, the beach, the mountains, England, cruises, etc, I was always on the lookout for things I could take to school. I even had the Dr. take a cast off my arm without cutting it, so that I could take that to school too. You never know when you are going to need what you have just “found” to help the children in your class understand whatever you are trying to teach. I have worked in exclusive private schools and in public schools where over 80% of the students qualify for “free lunches”, both of these kinds of schools have dedicated, caring teachers who pay for field trips, or backpacks, or warm jackets, even Christmas gifts. Why? Because they want the best for each and every child. Because they don’t get paid what they are worth, even though they may have sat next to you at Harvard or Yale or a State University and your first paycheck was almost twice the amount of their check, they still spend their own money because they know what is needed. I know it seems like teachers have short work days and have lots of vacation time, but they don’t. At least that is true for most of the teachers I worked with over a thirty year period. I wouldn’t change my “job” for anything, it brought me great joy and happiness. I wish every child had the “Teacher of the Year”, but I wish even more, that more parents really appreciated what time and dedication we put in for your child. Your child may become a Doctor, a lawyer, a professional ball player, the President of the United States or maybe, just maybe a teacher. On the first day of school, we never know what each of these precious children may become, don’t they ALL deserve the very best? I think so. Thank you,

    Like

  8. Former Teacher June 15, 2016 at 6:03 pm #

    That’s the way it is! No lie.

    Like

  9. Mary June 16, 2016 at 6:02 pm #

    He was just having some fun mad let go people know what it is like for a teacher. I taught for 33 years. This was cute, he knows how much work his wife has to do.

    Like

  10. jaysnuh August 8, 2016 at 8:03 pm #

    I like that you’re taking a stand. It’s good to do that and I’m sorry that your wife is so terrible.

    Like

  11. Deborah Goldfisher August 28, 2016 at 4:08 pm #

    As a lazy liar myself, I appreciate your sharing of this insight into the life of a typical teacher.

    Like

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