My wife is a lazy liar

6 Jun

It’s the last day of school for my lazy, lying wife. She says teachers still have to go to work, but that can’t be right. Teachers only work when the kids are at school. I wish she would come clean and admit she is not really a teacher.  School starts around 9:00 and dismisses at 3:45.  She leaves the house before seven each morning, and it’s only a fifteen or twenty minute drive to the “school” where she “teaches.” She comes home around six or six-thirty in the evening. Sometimes later. What is she doing with all the extra time?

6:57 a.m. and the bag lady leaves the house. Looking for an OTB parlor that opens early.

6:57 a.m. and the bag lady leaves the house. Looking for an OTB parlor that opens early.

When she gets home, I make sure dinner awaits the slacker. It’s a wonder she doesn’t demand I spoon-feed her. After dinner, she works on “lesson plans” and “grades papers.”  The way she describes it, the school district’s grade report system is so convoluted and labyrinthine that it must have been designed by Ernő Rubik. I am not fooled. I believe these “papers” she is working on are actually Racing Forms. I also believe she is a terrible gambler, which explains why we are not rich.

About ten or eleven at night, she comes to bed and pretends to be exhausted. She acts as though teaching 24 kids, some with significant emotional problems, is more challenging than having a real job. Who does she think she’s kidding? If she really is a teacher, how hard can it be to mark second grade homework? Does she have to look up the correct answer to 4 x 5 each time she grades a math assignment?

Hmm. This looks suspiciously like the lazy liar at the race track.

Hmm. This looks suspiciously like the lazy liar at the race track.

Because she’s so lazy, my wife rarely does “school work” on Saturdays, but she always spends part of Sundays pretending to do it. I see through her little act. She doesn’t want to do any real work on Sundays, like taking walks and going on bike rides with her fantastic husband. What a loser. If she likes to play the ponies, she should admit it. I would still love her, more or less.

I work at a real job, and I don’t go to nearly as many “meetings” as my wife does. Many of her meetings, she says, are focused on discussing test results, new testing procedures, testing tests, test testing, tester testing, and test testing testers. Occasionally, she says, these meeting diverge into other topics such as testing evaluations. Some meetings allegedly occur during school hours when my wife should be “teaching.” These meetings are dreamed up by highly-paid, redundant administrators who have clandestine responsibilities no one can figure out. At the end of these meetings, it is determined that “teachers” at my wife’s school are not spending enough time teaching.

This is too illogical to be true. That’s why I know my wife is lying.

My lazy, lying wife can’t get enough of meetings. This is why she is lucky to be a “person of color.”  She is often called on to represent the “school staff” on “committees” that need some “diversity.” As a consequence, she stays late at “school” to discuss issues other than “school work” or tasks directly related to “teaching.” If a person has such an easy job, she should not complain about attending lengthy meetings to discuss the latest tester testing results.

Last night, my wife came home from school after 10:30 p.m. What? Is she teaching night school now?

She should be thankful she does not have a real job. In my job, which is real and has been known to require multiple hours of work on some days, I go into the supply room and load up any time I’m running short of pens and paper. If my company told me to buy my own supplies, I would laugh and tell them to piss off. This is the way it works at a real job. But my wife spends hundreds of dollars each school year buying “supplies.” How many backpacks and calculators does one woman need? She says they are for students who can’t afford them, but really? These students are like her customers. I don’t buy supplies for my customers. That would be silly.

What a liar my wife is.

This summer, the school district that allegedly employs my lying wife is renovating the school building where she claims to teach. The district has required all the “teachers” to pack up everything in their classrooms and store it for the summer. The school district is providing some storage, as long as the contents can survive a couple of months in a container as hot as a vinyl car seat  in Hell’s parking lot. But anything that could become damaged by the heat is the responsibility of the “teachers.” Seriously, what employer would ask its employees to provide their own storage when they renovate work space? I saw a transaction in our bank account for “Storage Facility.” I believe this is the name of a four-year-old gelding that finished out of the money in the seventh race last Thursday at Churchill Downs.

Here’s the final proof that that my lazy wife is a big liar: Despite all the so-called hassles she puts up with at her “school,” my wife talks about her students like they are her own children. A week from now, she will lament how much she misses “her kids” during the summer. Even the ones who “take things without permission,” and the ones who “stretch the truth” despite overwhelming evidence otherwise.

Okay, perhaps my wife is not a lazy liar. Perhaps she is just crazy.

(Teachers: Here’s a parent who appreciates you.)

Signature

P.S. Happy Anniversary to the big liar, who will probably stay at “school” late tonight.

818 Responses to “My wife is a lazy liar”

  1. DeniseBalog December 29, 2015 at 12:37 am #

    I am an Elementary school secretary. You nailed it!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reese December 29, 2015 at 5:41 am #

    I loved this… its like you talking bout someone I know. lol well done

    Liked by 2 people

  3. therewasarace December 29, 2015 at 5:47 am #

    That’s funny. Why don’t you go over to her so called school and see for yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lisa June 8, 2016 at 1:43 pm #

      Because it is parody. Perhaps you learned that it relies on irony and sarcasm…

      Like

  4. ruthpeacefuldove December 29, 2015 at 7:21 am #

    Guess I fit into her category too! Happy anniversary to you both!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. maybemomma18 December 29, 2015 at 10:11 am #

    My husband always says until you live with one of us…you just don’t get it. Thank you from a lazy, liar.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. The Exceptional Life December 29, 2015 at 10:29 am #

    Really funny and a great homage to your lovely bride, who seems to give her best each and every day. Happy anniversary!
    Blessings, Crystal

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Girl On Fleek December 29, 2015 at 11:03 am #

    Love it!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. ldelanuez December 29, 2015 at 1:10 pm #

    I am a teacher and I loooooove this! Few people that are not in the field “get it”. Thank you.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. nameinarose December 29, 2015 at 1:26 pm #

    That was a fun read!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. mamaknjo December 29, 2015 at 1:57 pm #

    I am a kindergarten teacher, works from 7.40 to 5.00 from Monday to Friday. Sometimes I have to work on Saturday to get everything done. And like I am not busy enough, the school leader demands me to join committee and when I argued him, but my job here is to teach, he said, we dont want an idle staff member you got to be involved in a committee. So I have to attend meetings bah!!! Why can’t teacher be lazy???

    Liked by 3 people

  11. k8edid December 29, 2015 at 2:27 pm #

    I remember reading this when it was first published. My husbands agrees wholeheartedly with you…although I think he thinks I’m at the casino most of the time.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. k8edid December 29, 2015 at 2:28 pm #

    I meant husband, of course, not husbands…or maybe that’s where he thinks I am, with my other husband.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Sundaram Chauhan December 31, 2015 at 6:30 am #

      Awesome way to correct…

      Liked by 1 person

  13. 1earthheart December 29, 2015 at 3:29 pm #

    Great piece!
    from a Lazy Testing Tester!

    Liked by 3 people

  14. Lynne McAennyl December 29, 2015 at 10:00 pm #

    How we would Love it if you invited your “lazy liar” wife to write her own post here, about You, in reply!
    That would be possible equal in interest and humour.

    Liked by 3 people

    • smithdeville December 30, 2015 at 9:25 am #

      Good idea, but she claims she’s busy adding comments to progress reports over holiday break.

      Liked by 3 people

  15. hopecshepard December 29, 2015 at 11:12 pm #

    As a first year English teacher, let me just say this is SPOT ON.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Shannon Kuzmich December 30, 2015 at 3:03 am #

    My husband is also a lazy lying teacher. Brilliant piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Katherine (Houseknecht) Robinson December 30, 2015 at 5:41 pm #

    What a refreshing approach to this subject! Now, back to my lazy life of lies…

    Liked by 3 people

  18. You and ME Walk December 30, 2015 at 5:43 pm #

    Way to go with the sarcastic title. Thanks for sharing and Happy Anniversary to you two.

    Liked by 3 people

  19. GalOnTrip December 31, 2015 at 6:18 am #

    i guess you’ve chosen the wrong kind of partner for life. what would you with that, i mean have you thought of getting a divorced? did she know you you wrote this post and publish it?

    Liked by 1 person

  20. NaushilMehta December 31, 2015 at 9:46 pm #

    Did you ever reckon she could have an affair with someone at school ?

    Like

  21. Wilma1986 January 1, 2016 at 7:36 pm #

    This is extremely accurate, love it!

    Liked by 2 people

  22. aprilandapples January 2, 2016 at 1:05 pm #

    This is brilliant.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Sylvia January 2, 2016 at 2:41 pm #

    My mum is a lazy liar. The school recently made it mandatory to work year round (no breaks between terms) for no extra pay, because the school owners don’t want to pay teachers to go on holiday.

    Liked by 2 people

    • smithdeville January 2, 2016 at 3:27 pm #

      That REALLY stinks.

      Like

    • Paris June 17, 2016 at 7:38 pm #

      What are school owners ?

      Like

      • Sylvia June 18, 2016 at 3:34 am #

        The humans behind the company that owns the school.

        Like

  24. Ocean Bream January 2, 2016 at 4:42 pm #

    I completely and utterly LOVE this post.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. livingsimplyinthecity January 2, 2016 at 4:50 pm #

    Amazing. I’m so emotional

    Liked by 2 people

  26. ginamnewton January 2, 2016 at 10:01 pm #

    I laughed from start to finish! I too teach. You and my soon to be husband share the exact same sentiments. lol.

    Liked by 2 people

  27. jaycolby29 January 2, 2016 at 10:59 pm #

    I enjoyed your blog if you get a chance check out my blog https://jaycolby.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Eric Klingenberg January 3, 2016 at 4:59 pm #

    If this wasn’t so close to the truth it would be funny. Great article thanks for writing it.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. tempestjoy January 4, 2016 at 9:53 am #

    What a great sense of humor you have! Thank you for sharing your creativity and satire. It brought a smile to my Monday!

    Liked by 2 people

  30. umeaimenkhan January 5, 2016 at 1:04 am #

    Wonderful… I ‘m much impresssed by writing style

    Liked by 1 person

  31. ريم { Reem } January 5, 2016 at 10:15 pm #

    I laughed from the bottom of my heart

    Liked by 1 person

  32. mozart8346 January 6, 2016 at 10:47 am #

    I taught for 10 years, and boy did you get it right. I am training for a new career now that will give me a real job, and oh.my.god, I am over the moon excited about a REAL job!

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Paula January 8, 2016 at 7:07 am #

    🙂

    Like

  34. beachesbedbugsandbackpacks January 11, 2016 at 3:14 am #

    Surely this isn’t for real?? How could someone do that?

    Like

  35. Christina January 12, 2016 at 11:37 pm #

    I’m not a teacher, but I do know they work very hard for very little, and most still love what they do … I’m a super appreciative parent of the good and caring teachers out there … my sister being one of them. Thank you, teachers … even if you are lazy liars 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  36. lovehappily January 13, 2016 at 4:59 pm #

    Good things are hard to find. I am so happy I found this. A good post with a writer’s voice that pulls the reader in without warning. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. thecomedicauther January 21, 2016 at 3:53 am #

    Idiots they also have to check kids work make sure they have enough time to plan out the next day

    Like

  38. annwjwhite January 31, 2016 at 3:31 pm #

    Wow, how did you know? We all want to be rock stars but the hours are just beastly. Same with teaching. I know. I’d rather be a rock star. Ann White

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Videos Jovencitas February 4, 2016 at 6:24 am #

    That’s funny. Why don’t you go over to her so called school and see for yourself.

    Like

  40. mjchatters February 19, 2016 at 2:06 pm #

    My step mom was also a lazy liar. Who also had 10 children. She was a glutton for punishment, apparently. She taught senior English. Term paper was always a fun time. She was up half the night most every night until the last paper was graded. She would’ve appreciated this blog.

    Like

  41. SWAG DIDDY February 29, 2016 at 12:30 pm #

    This is my teacher lol

    Like

  42. John June 11, 2016 at 4:00 pm #

    Canadian teachers are the absolute worst when it comes to spinning how hard their jobs are. Americans on the other hand I actually feel sorry for their educators.

    Like

    • Melisa July 19, 2017 at 3:14 pm #

      As a Canadian teacher, I honestly don’t understand what you meant by your comment. Can you please clarify or provide an example? Thanks

      Like

  43. Steph June 11, 2016 at 4:49 pm #

    God bless your “lazy liar” wife.

    Liked by 1 person

  44. semuelle77 June 11, 2016 at 5:36 pm #

    My husband and I are both lazy liars. Our poor two-year-old already knows the words “school,” “students,” “teacher,” and “grades.” She may be a future lazy liar in the making.

    Liked by 1 person

  45. Bonnie Crapps June 11, 2016 at 11:44 pm #

    Love it and so true!

    Liked by 1 person

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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