River Outfitter Guy
The Current River (or maybe Jacks Fork)
Somewhere south of Jeff City
Hey man, I don’t know if I stayed at your camp, but I’m pretty sure I stayed someplace. I was the dude wearing the Springsteen shirt, and I had a can of Busch in each hand. Party! Oh, and sorry about all the dents in the canoe. I’ll bet you can find that lost oar down near the AR border. Good thing oars float.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure I lost my high school senior class ring in that place with all the weeds and trees. You know the place I’m talking about. It was already dark, and the buds and I were trying to find firewood so we wouldn’t have to pay for any. So yeah, I’d like to get that ring back if you come across it. Cost me close to $50, and it’s the second one I’ve lost. Most important ring I’ll ever own, right? It’s got green glass in the center, and the outside of it is real gold. I can’t afford to buy another one because I’m saving up for a pair of Bass Weejuns. They’re $50 easy, but the preppy girls love them. So, anyway, if you find the ring, mail it back to me here at college, dude.
June 30, 2014
Dear Camp Proprietor,
Thank you for providing such a wonderful venue for this past weekend’s float trip and camping adventure. After my old college friends and I visit our respective chiropractors and physical therapists, I am confident we will look back fondly on our time with you. Mentioning our various pains is not intended as an indictment of the fine accommodations you provided for our campsite. It’s simply that we are used to sleeping on thick memory foam mattresses rather than the hard ground. I presume your part of Missouri recently experienced a rock storm, which left sharp stones strewn everywhere? I don’t recall the terra firma being so… firma in my younger days.
In addition to thanking you for the wonderful time, however, I write to request a favor. Perhaps you will come across my custom-fitted mandibular advancement device, which prevents snoring, and return it to me at your earliest convenience. My dear spouse makes me sleep on the couch when I don’t have it.
I don’t remember the last time I saw the mandibular device, but I can provide some clues. I recall distinctly having it on my person when my chum Mark Z. requested I freshen up his cup of chamomile tea. I also can picture clearly setting down the device between Skip’s hemorrhoid cushion and Mark K.’s hernia truss when we all went to the aid of Bob, whose back had seized up as he was putting a log on the fire. I am confident I still had the anti-snoring device later in the evening, because I threatened to hurl it at Mark K. when he spilled warm milk all over my linen/cotton blend Ralph Lauren slacks. (I believe the spillage was intentional, as Mark K. had earlier questioned the appropriateness of Ralph Lauren pants at a river campsite when “everyone knows Nautica is de rigueur on the Meramec.”).
After that, my memory becomes a little fuzzy. We really let our hair down Saturday night (those of us who have it), staying up nearly until nine-thirty. But when the young ruffians in the campsite next to ours were still making noise after ten o’clock, we felt we had to take action. I suspect those rascals had been imbibing something stronger than Mountain Dew. Had they no consideration for others? We strode over to their campfire and gave them a sturdy tongue-lashing, the likes of which they will not soon forget. After that exciting interlude, which required us to rescue Skip from the clutches of two scalawags who were holding him upside down over their fire, it took me a few minutes to calm down. With all the excitement, which included extinguishing the fire in Skip’s hair, I don’t recall if I still had the anti-snoring device.
Should you come across a mandibular device, it will surely be mine. The two Marks, Skip and Bob have confirmed that they made it home safely with theirs.
14 thoughts on “A River Adventure in Two Parts”
Loved this one 😀 refreshing with these silly jibes & jaunts of life.
All true. Every word of it.
Yeah ! know & I really enjoyed reading it. thank. waiting for more interesting posts. good wishes 🙂
Can’t stop laughing, dude! Hahahaha! Oh, the times, they are achangin’ Brilliant post. Brilliant!!!
Thanks. I’m a little sleepy today. My snoring kept waking me up last night.
Marvellous! Chuckled all the way through.
I really hope you get the mandibular device back.
Also, what is it with the ground? It’s definitely got less accommodating over time. If it’s not just you or me, then something has definitely gone wrong with terra firma itself.
Good question about the ground. Requires more research–by someone other than me.
I’m not volunteering! We’ll just have to assume we’re right and stick to memory foam-padded lives just to be sure.
Amusing and unfortunately, authentic portrayal of aging! Hope you enjoyed the trip despite the changes.
I resemble these descriptions to a tee.
We are going camping soon and fingers crossed they don’t have a rock storm right beforehand.
Hi I’ve nominated you for WordPress Very Inspiring Blogger Award. You may already been through this, it’s all new to me. If you’re not interested in participating – that’s fine but perhaps you’ll get a few extra well-deserved readers just from the nomination as I posted your URL on my WordPress site. Go here for an explanation.
I always enjoy your blog. Lydia
Thank you. I’ll check it out.
I feel like I’m sending chain letters, I have another award to pass on. Sorry to put you through this again, I feel your pain. I’ve nominated you for WordPress Very Lovely Blog Award. You may already been through this, it’s all new to me. If you’re not interested in participating – that’s fine but perhaps you’ll get a few extra well-deserved readers just from the nomination as I posted your URL on my WordPress site. Go here for an explanation.
I do enjoy your blog.