While late-summer cleaning at the Smith Estates, I uncovered a treasure trove of unpublished song lyrics. After you experience a small sampling of this lyrical magic, which I created as a teenager, you’ll wonder why I’m not churning out the hits in Nashville or L.A. If you’re not prepared to be in awe, go find a kitten video. (No […]
Dear Country of Colombia, It’s me, one half of Los Americanos Gigantes who recently visited your country. (My brother, Jeff, the other Gigante, is still there, somewhere. If you see him, point him north.) I had a very good time in your country. I was not surprised to learn tourism was up 12% last year. […]
In olden times, kids could purchase items called “45s” from magical places called “record stores.” On one visit, my brother Jeff bought an Osmonds single while I bought one by the Jackson 5. I still believe I had better taste. But we saw no need to spend all our lawn mowing earnings on records when we […]
It’s the last day of school for my lazy, lying wife. She says teachers still have to go to work, but that can’t be right. Teachers only work when the kids are at school. I wish she would come clean and admit she is not really a teacher. School starts around 9:00 and dismisses at 3:45. […]
I am the father of a fresh high school graduate. If you haven’t had the opportunity to attend a commencement lately, do not panic. I will give you the experience now. 2:40 pm The commencement begins in twenty minutes here at Freedom Hall in Louisville. The crowd, a couple of thousand family members, is relatively […]
On the anniversary of my high school graduation: Dear Ronnie, First of all, why are you still going by “Ronnie?” Have you noticed your friends are called Tom, Rob and Rod? They switched from Tommy, Robbie and Rodney in fourth grade. Unless you’re planning a career in professional baseball or bluegrass music, “Ronnie” has to […]
I was nine or ten the first time I heard my granddad pepper his speech with cuss words. I could still point out within a five square foot area where I stood in his barnyard when he let loose one of those forbidden four-letter words in my presence. I had crossed some invisible line of […]
Is it redundant to use my left turn signal if I’m already in the left turn-only lane? That’s like a double negative. “I ain’t never seen nothing like that never in my life.” Quadruple negative. Nicely done, Ron. I will not use my turn signal. I am a rebel. Rebel, Rebel. That reminds me of […]
Dear advertisers, Just a few suggestions I ask you to consider. First, I direct my attention to you, Local Business Owner. I ask you kindly to refrain from using your family in your commercials. I am sure your children and grandchildren have prodigious talents, and they will someday discover a cure for low-grade acne. However, […]
Parts of the movie 50 to 1 are being filmed at Churchill Downs. The film is about Mine That Bird, which won the 2009 Kentucky Derby as a long shot. I thought the film could use my help, so I signed on as an extra. This is the story of my day, most of it […]
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