Tag Archives: David Bowie

Random Thoughts at a Stoplight

28 Feb

Is it redundant to use my left turn signal if I’m already in the left turn-only lane? That’s like a double negative.20130301_081010

“I ain’t never seen nothing like that never in my life.” Quadruple negative. Nicely done, Ron.

I will not use my turn signal. I am a rebel. Rebel, Rebel. That reminds me of that David Bowie song. How old is he now? Seventy? I should Google him.

Now I can’t get the Bowie song out of my head. I’ll hum “Tequila.” It’s like methadone for earworms.

The time has come to buy new boxer shorts. Has underwear technology changed much in the past ten years? I should Google that.  Boxers? Why are they called that? I’ll look that up, too. No wonder I never get any work done.

What is the woman in the car next to me listening to? It must be a great song the way she’s moving. I’ll try to find it… Nope. Nope. Oh, she’s listening to that? I never would have guessed. She’s looks smarter than that. Maybe I’m mistaken. Ugh, she’s mouthing the words. Look away, Ron, look away.

Geez, this light is long. I should have turned off my car to save gas. I wonder how much gas I would save if I had. If I turn off my car, maybe it won’t start again. Then everyone will honk at me, and I’ll be embarrassed. Even the woman singing that song will scowl at me. I’ll leave it on.

Justin. Is there anyone over the age of fifty named Justin?  Is anyone under the age of seventy named Adolf? I bet there are some really old men who go by Addie or Dolf.

It would be terrible to have the same name as the infamous person in the world. If there was ever a super villain named Ron, I would change my name. I would go with Chi Chi. Nobody bad could be named Chi Chi.

My goodness, it’s that guy on the radio again. How much do I have to pledge next time to keep him off the air? Maybe I’ll have my own pledge drive just for that.

Do jeans shrink if you don’t wear them for a few months? They must. And boxer shorts shrink even if you do wear them. I’ll Google it.  fatjeans-6

My jaw is hurting again. What has it been? Three days in a row now? I hope it’s nothing serious. What if I have jaw cancer?  Oh, please, no, not jaw cancer. I’ll end up like Roger Ebert without the fame and fortune. What if I die from it? I should review my will just in case. I hope Michele has me cremated like she promised. She’ll probably dump the ashes in the trash bin. I’ll need to have a frank discussion with her about that. What if a super villain named Ron comes along after I die? My survivors will have to re-chisel the tombstone so  it says Chi Chi. I need to put that in the will, too. No tombstone for my ashes.

Why don’t they have recycling cans for ashes? Hmm. Maybe I could get the patent on that. I’ll trademark ReinCANation while I’m at it. Note to self. Google ReinCANation to see if it’s already trademarked.

A Viking funeral would be nice, but who would be my thrall? A short list there.

I wouldn’t want to be set afloat in the Ohio River. Beargrass Creek?  I’d get stuck in a jam of limbs and trash. Then all the overhead trees would catch on fire. There might be health code issues, too.  I need to Google that.

ChiChi

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Thirty-two things I want for Christmas

13 Dec

My daughter keeps asking me for a Christmas list, so I’ll write one here, which she can reference if she cares to.20121212_202940

 

  1. I wish companies mistakenly delivered big cans of popcorn to my office year round.
  2. Popcorn is nature’s perfect food.
  3. Especially when it has caramel drizzled all over it.
  4. But I can do without the kind with the “cheese” coating.20121213_131021
  5. That stuff would give an automaton the runs.
  6. If movie theaters didn’t have popcorn to mark up 1000%, they would go out of business.
  7. We don’t thank popcorn enough for its service to the film industry.
  8. The best kettle-cooked corn I ever had was made on the spot in Hannibal, Missouri.
  9. Little known fact: Tom Sawyer was a kettle corn fiend.
  10. Becky Thatcher had her corn issues, too.

  11. I wish I hadn’t raised my children to believe it’s not Christmas without a live tree.
  12. Live trees have become a pain in the butt.
  13. I’m still finding needles from last year’s tree.
  14. I wish my grandparents had kept their aluminum tree with the color wheel.
  15. I sometimes wish I were Jewish this time of year.
  16. I would love to eat at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas day.
  17. Or just about any day.
  18. I wish we had gotten smaller stockings for our girls.
  19. You could drop a Crown Vic in those things and still not fill them.
  20. Maybe I’ll put a roll of toilet paper in each one.
  21. My mom used to pad our stockings with oranges.
  22. The kind with seeds.
  23. I wish the produce place I go to sold those little clementine oranges year round.
  24. Those things are like orange candy that’s good for you.Clementine
  25. And they don’t have seeds.
  26. I wish Nat King Cole were here to sing The Christmas Song live.
  27. I wish I knew what Bing Crosby was thinking as he sang the Little Drummer Boy with David Bowie.
  28. I wish How the Grinch Stole Christmas ended before it got all mushy.
  29. I wish people would quit using gift as a verb.
  30. Seriously now, give was doing just fine before gift started getting greedy.
  31. “Tis better to gift than to receive?”
  32. I don’t think so.

There you go, Sophia. Have at it.

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P.S. I wouldn’t mind either if anyone checked out my books here. That would make for a decent Christmas wish.