Tag Archives: fiscal cliff

Things I didn’t get for Christmas

27 Dec

I got everything I wanted for Christmas this year, which was peace, love and understanding. What’s so funny about that?

Not to be picky, but I offer a short list of things I didn’t get for Christmas. I make them available for anyone doing some early shopping for next year:

  1. The purpose of semicolons; I didn’t get them.
  2. I didn’t get the reason the high fade hair style has returned. high-fade-haircut
  3. I didn’t get why Nike charges its customers so much to advertise its stuff.   Nike-Victory-Mens-Basketball-Shorts-482943_890_A
  4. You, too, NorthFace.NorthFace
  5. And Dolce & Gabbana baby boots? 354X490TMPL
  6. What bad economy?
  7. I didn’t get why we all put up with it.
  8. Maybe I should silk screen some shirts with “smithdeville.com” on them and sell them for forty bucks each.
  9. I’m sure there’s a factory somewhere in Bangladesh with excess capacity.
  10. I didn’t get the sustained popularity of some musical acts.
  11. I’m talking about you, Bon Jovi.
  12. Is it the hair?  jovi
  13. Does this mean we’ll see Justin Bieber singing at massive fundraisers thirty years from now?
  14. That should make people take global warming more seriously.
  15. Do you want another Hurricane Sandy-like catastrophe that leads to Bieber being on stage when he’s fifty, overly conditioned hair and all?
  16. That’s a rhetorical question.
  17. Makes me want to keep the thermostat at sixty-two to burn a little less coal.
  18. Honorable Mention: Dave Matthews Band.
  19. Less Honorable Mention: A tie between Leonard Cohen and Morrissey.
  20. How about a Christmas album next year by those two?
  21. That would be a real joy fest.
  22. I didn’t get gift bags.
  23. Who is buying these things?
  24. How does the gift bag industry stay afloat?
  25. All the gift bags under our tree this year had been reused.Christmas Gift Bags Set1 Product Image
  26. Some with multiple names marked out.
  27. Noah
  28. Zane
  29. Isabel
  30. “Dad”
  31. I suspect gift bag makers take two or three years off at a time  until demand catches up to production.
  32. If my new watch, which is made from corn resin and other natural stuff, is biodegradable, should I take it off if I start to sweat?20121227_091049
  33. I didn’t get Boxing Day.
  34. I get what it is, but I just don’t understand why we can’t have it in the States.
  35. We have a four-day weekend for Thanksgiving, but just one day for Christmas.
  36. Maybe after they tackle the fiscal cliff, Congress can approve Boxing Day.
  37. I’m not holding my breath on either one.

Signature

P.S. If you received a new e-reader this holiday season, please give these mildly entertaining works a go. And if you prefer the old-fashioned paper version that’s been signed, I can help you out there, too. Just leave me a comment.

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Twenty-nine things I don’t want to read

9 Nov

Pitcher Cliff Lee, a “physical Cliff”

I feel a little grumpy today, so here’s a list of things I would be damn okay never seeing again:

  1. Enormity used in a sentence to mean big.
  2. When I read something like the enormity of campaign spending, I wonder if the writer means spending is heinous or just really big.
  3. It could be both, I guess.
  4. I’m already tired of fiscal cliff.
  5. What other cliffs will we come up with?
  6. When Christmas Eve comes, will last-minute shoppers be peering over the Christmas Cliff?
  7. If you’re running out of food, will you be close to the refrigacliff?
  8. If we fall off the fiscal cliff, is it a cliffatality?
  9. I’m trademarking that one.
  10. Cliffatality™
  11. I hope it doesn’t get as bad as all those ageddon words last year.
  12. Like Stormageddon.
  13. How about Cliffageddon?
  14. We’ve reached a perfect storm of lazy writing
  15. Oh yes, and perfect storm is a perfect example.
  16. That’s why I can’t watch that movie.
  17. The title became a cliché.
  18. I don’t want to read Definitely spelled with an a.
  19. When did that start? I don’t remember anyone regularly misspelling definitely in seventh grade.
  20. An easy way to avoid misspelling definitely is to never write it.
  21. Is I will never again stick uncooked spaghetti up my nose any stronger if I add definitely in there?
  22. Didn’t think so.
  23. We all remember what Stephen King said about adverbs.
  24. And that thing where I just asked and answered my own question?
  25. Enough of that, too.
  26. Should I assume anyone else is asking the same question?
  27. I think not.
  28. Oops, I did it again.
  29. Now you have that song stuck in your head.

P.S. Check out these books in which I refuse to take my own medicine. I mean, please do, because the holidays are nigh, and I don’t want to be too broke on Christmas Cliff to buy my children their woolen socks.